the end is nigh…

I find it terribly disconcerting that I am being paid to supervise these students that have a teacher that is absent so often. She has set them up with work, and they are doing it, although that is also debatable as they know how the game is played. There are clicks onto other screens as I approach them and their laptops. I know what they are doing, what they are not doing, but I am only a relief teacher. What good would it do me to push them, to question them on their work. What good would it do them? They sit unaffected by their education. Bored even. I am only here for an hour of their school lives. Perhaps more ‘if’ they call me in again.
When I became a teacher I wanted to inspire my students, challenge them and question them. I wanted to prepare their minds for the lives they might lead, to make them thinkers. Relief teaching is only a temporary thing for me. I am glad of this, because as difficult as teaching full time is, it holds a sense of ownership and satisfaction to have a class of your own.
Blank faces stare at blank screens, numbed with the tedium of school. Surely it is better than this!

There are four months left of our stay here. The end is approaching rather quickly. Not that I don’t want it to, it is just that there is still so much to do. I write lists, but that is what they remain, they don’t seem to get any shorter. It is all very good to want to renovate before we leave, but that calls for both time and money, things we are lacking in at the moment. I have more time than Stu as I am not working full time, but I lack the skills he has around the house. Knowing how much work I have ahead of me, I am surprisingly calm, at peace really. I don’t know why, I think perhaps it is because I know the end is coming…

I have started making enquiries, about moving, about renting out this house, about finishing off things that Stu can’t do. I have begun to think about boxes and garage sales, thinking about what we can leave, what needs to come with us.
When we moved here, the excitement was there, but the stress was overwhelming. I kept coming out in hives. I was on daily antihistamines. This time I want to remain calm. There is a “little” less to do this time. We are not buying a new house, we are not sorting through fifteen years of accumulated possessions…
Initially I had thought to go back to Victor before December. Take some things back in trailers, etc, but I think realistically it won’t happen. We have to save money, Stu has to work and there will be more to do here. I would love to visit my friends and family again, get rebooted, but I think that the knowledge it won’t be too much longer, will have to suffice. Facetime and emails.

I spent two hours on the phone the other day to my sister. It’s strange really, despite the fact that we are states apart, we seem to be closer than ever. I think that this is partly due to the fact that we are in such similar situations. She is finding it increasingly difficult to leave the house and have meaningful conversations with other adults, due to her sick children. I am finding it increasingly difficult to find meaningful adults to have any conversations with! Hence we have found solace in each other’s company, over facetime. I still wish to be in the same room as her, but it won’t be long.


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